New Chapters and Sparking Change

This is my personal journey, from living in a decent sized rural city-town (16,000+ people), to a 7 street mining community that has just over 100 people, about 4 miles outside of the Walmart, that is on the outskirts of former said city-town.

This isn’t a culture shock for me. Moving back out to PA was a culture shock. Visiting to CA last summer gave me a taste to how much city life is cool, but also an anxiety trigger for me. I love my space, both as an introvert, and as someone who loves nature and mid 50’s to 70’s weathered days. Moving to CA from PA was also a culture shock.

This is more of a shock to my soul, my higher self, that I am closer to where I should be, closer to the things I want to do, closer to my callings. I mean shock not in a bad way, but more in a blissful way, that I need to orient myself into.

In the most pure way, I never envisioned what my 20’s would look like, and I don’t know when exactly I stopped dreaming past wanting a home good enough to have some dogs.

I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a journalist, and a photographer at varying points in my childhood. I appreciate those who go into the vet field, but my heart is too sensitive for that line of work. I never kept with dance, so although I wouldn’t mind following dance, martial arts, and gymnastics as a hobby. I’d love to take off with journalism and photography though, since I keep up with writing and camera work more regularly.

With my growth, and who I’m with, and where we’re at now, we can save some dogs, and I can take my writing and photography talents to work, and share our stories. Plus I can cultivate some other talents and traits!

Something my boyfriend noticed, is how living in the apartment, I was ok with being outside of work, but I wasn’t happy. I now have a pep to getting out of work.

I wouldn’t say I was depressed or suicidal, but I was just “meh”. With a month of living here now, I truly feel the difference, even after working a full week, and a few of them as well.

Reflecting, and even in the months leading up to the move, and looking for a house to call home, I know why. I know why (in a heartbreaking way to even myself) I would drink a little too much.

I had what was mine, but in what I felt someone else’s home, someone else’s place. Similar to impostor syndrome, but with a place that I lived. Mail addressed to me came to the apartment, I had a room of my own that I could do (within reason, as it was a rented apartment) what I wanted. I could walk around the apartment as I pleased, cooked, cleaned and do everyday things, wherever I felt like.

But I still didn’t feel like I was apart of it. No matter the stage, even once I felt comfortable to start exploring some minor decorating, like adding tapestries to the white walls (really so that I could sleep during the afternoons, but it was also a nice range of color and art work), and switching up the kitchen table’s tablecloth.

I didn’t grant myself the permission to call the place mine, that was part mine. And I should have. I paid equally as much in bills as my boyfriend. I contributed as well when there was 3 of us. I worked, I cleaned, I made food for anyone and everyone who was in our apartment.

In part, with this impostor feeling that I didn’t get over, I took it out in all the wrong ways. Although I couldn’t put a name to it, I feel like this is a major thing for me, as we’ve been now out of that apartment for a solid month now, and I’ve yet to experience the need for those coping mechanisms.

As I’m easing into my role in our home, I feel like it’s ours, like it’s mine. I have true presence and authority here. I think I’ve been feeling more and more impostor-like for a long while now, even prior to living with my current (and long term) boyfriend.

I’m genuinely content, and rather happy. I have the space to work out what I need to, and I don’t feel a sense of dread or disgust like I used to.

I’m not sure what the rest of this chapter entails, and I’m really okay with that, as I’m sure it’ll be all of what I need it to be. I have a good feeling like this is really going to start my “on top of the world” journey, and I mean that in the most humblest of ways, and in the most genuinely “I can’t wait” feeling.

Breaking free from all of the chains and walls I’ve made for myself will happen here. Having everything that I’ll need to feel like I’m doing good in this world will happen here. I won’t have everything I want, but I’ll have everything I need.

Yes, I don’t like where certain things are headed in our political climate. Yes, the outside world of death, friendships ending, and people doing horrible things to each other, to animals, and to the planet are sad and sickening. And yes, I wish I could change things, but I can’t.

But I can, and did change my life, and helped change my boyfriend’s life. I help with what I can directly influence, and I feel like I can do a lot more, and will do a lot more, the more I grow into myself.

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